How I discovered that my sex was not 'broken'

In the first year of my longer relationships, everything was exciting, fresh and new about my lover. This gave me tremendous energy, for which I didn’t have to do anything. This free and abundant flow of energy made me want a lot of sex. 

And it seemed inevitable that the frequency with which I wanted to make love with my partner, decreased after a while.

Is it bad when sex stops?

Tantra has no opinion on that. It doesn’t prescribe how or how often you should have sex or with whom. So no, it’s not a big deal. It’s very normal. Especially when I started a family, I found that my energy was initially focused on creating a stable family life. It is very common for sex drive to fade for a few years.

But what if sex starts to feel broken…

After a few years, I often started to doubt my relationship. Maybe this partner is not ‘the One’? Also, I did miss the intimacy with my partner. The thrill, the sense of adventure and connection that making love can give. But I felt: if I take the first step, kissing and cuddling… I say yes to penetration as well. And I was fed up with the way that went.

I experienced that sex can at some point became something that is ‘just a part of it’. Something that I do, maybe more to please my partner, then for myself. What I found exciting at first, is no longer so after the umpteenth time.

I’m not alone in that. I hear many women say during their private session; ‘Well, I think it’s ok to do it every now and then, but I don’t experience much pleasure.’ Damn, that’s not nice for us women, but not for the men as well! 

I think deep down, we all feel  that sex could offer us much more than this.

Why does our desire for sex diminish?

Sexuality is not an ‘ordinary’ subject. We have a special interest in it. So much so that each month, porn sites attract more visitors than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter combined.

I think we are so interested in sexuality because it can open us up to something very mysterious. To that which you may call ‘the divine’. Sex gives us the opportunity to experience ecstasy: an state in which we are carried away by something that seems bigger than us. This experience touches our whole being. It makes life sweeter, richer and more sparkling. This enhances your connection with ourselves and our beloved. With the goodness of life itself.

If you read this, you might think: “If sex could give me that, I’d want it every day.” So why do we often not experience sex that way?

That’s because we learn by modelling. And we rarely see our parents or friends making love. The only place where we do see other people having sex, is on a screen. And the sex they show us, has a very particular taste. I think you will be surprised how much film and porn sex determines our (tired) attitude towards sex…

# 1. In porn, everyone is always ready

This is so far from reality. Penetration is only really pleasant for a woman if her vagina – or ‘Yoni’, as she is often called in Tantra – is sufficiently perfused and moist. The time a Yoni needs on average for that, is no less than 45 minutes. That is many times longer than ‘foreplay’ usually lasts.

In porn, a penis (in Tantra we call him ‘Vajra’) is always erect. Whereas in real, everyday sex, an erection will come and go. It is not necessary at all to have an erection to experience intimacy or sensuality. Even penetration is possible without an erection. 

Dear men: many women even like it when your Vajra is not always super hard and tense!

Besides, why is all that deliciousness that could take place before penetration even called ‘foreplay’?

Isn’t it a real part of making love?

Prive Tantra voor Stellen
Image: Floris Scheplitz voor Wilde Vrouw Magazine
Jeroen Biegstraaten | Tantra trainer @ Avond vol Aandacht

# 2 Porn sex is always hot, fast and horny

Yes, it can be super fun; a quickie on the kitchen table! Nothing wrong with that. But this is just one of many forms of sex. Where is the sex with jokes in between? Or the sensitive sex, in which a tear might roll down your cheek? There is also slow sex, attentive sex, friendly sex, sizzling sex… Sex in which you show yourself completely, with all that you are.

What would lovemaking be like for you, if it would be different every time?

#3 In porn, everyone always comes

The ultimate goal in porn sex is to cum. So everybody works really hard for that. The sex is full of rubbing and friction. They’re soooooo busy!

If sex always has to have this outcome, doesn’t that make you … er, well: rather unfree in bed? Is it bad sex if I or my partner don’t come?

When we engage in sexuality in Tantra, we practice being present in this moment, instead of working towards a goal. We love to experience the NOW even more fully. And when better than in sex?

#4 In porn, everyone performs

Porn actors are…well: actors. Usually they play a variant of the game: I am a tough man and I will teach you, horny slut, a lesson. Or: I play hard-to-get, but actually I really want to.

It seems to me that such sex is often used to release tension. In the sense of: I actually feel bored / cranky / superficial / inferior – and now I’m using your body to make myself feel better. Uh, well, thanks, but no thanks.

What would it be like if you stopped the performance? If you left the actor within you behind and started making love as your Self?

#5 Your body should be young and tight

A six-pack, smooth skin without pits and bumps, firm round buttocks, full breasts… Yes, it’s beautiful. But unfortunately, in real life, our body only takes on this specific shape for a short period of time. If it ever lived up to this ideal at all!

Shame is the great anti-sexual force. If you are ashamed of how you look or what you like, it becomes very difficult to feel your sexual flow. Let alone to follow it freely.

And that while our ability to enjoy sex has nothing to do with external beauty. How can we make love, not from the outside, but from the inside?

Relaxing into intimacy

What a beautiful word, the Dutch word for ‘making love’ is. We say ‘to free’ (‘vrijen’). Compare it with the English to make love… As if you should do something to let energy flow. 

Quite the opposite, we think in Tantra. It’s about allowing yourself to be free. Relaxing, instead of doing. In that space and relaxation, energy flows by itself. At least, that is the hypothesis.

The more you’ve accepted the images from the film and porn industry as ‘that’s how sex should be’, the more tension you have to create to live up to this image. And the more difficult it becomes to simply relax when you have sex. To not push yourself or your loved one. To not grit your teeth until someone cums. To not manipulate yourself into trying to look ‘sexy’ (or feel ashamed if you don’t perceive yourself like that). Sometimes it is quite a quest: how to relax. We are so convinced that nothing will happen, if we don’t make it happen.

Relax AND Stay Present

And then there are also some of us, who may be very good at relaxing. But can you stay present as well? In contact with yourself and your partner?

If you check out, fall asleep or disappear into a fantasy; how much intimacy is there really? When you make love, you want to experience everything, don’t you?

Relaxing while staying present and in contact with yourself and your lover: that is perhaps one of the rarest experiences a modern person has. It is also, I think, something that we deeply long for. Be it in sex or in any other aspect of our lives.

In our private Tantra Sessions for Couples you will get a taste of this ecstatic feeling. And no; you don’t need to undress for that, or make out on the spot. Though Tantric practices can have a great effect on our sexual lives, they don’t look as sexual as you might think. 

And that is actually quite appropriate. Because, honestly; is it just the sex in which you can’t relax…. Or do you experience this in more areas of your life?

Discover how to relax into intimacy

In our 3 hr private Tantra workshops for couples your clothes will stay on. But we will teach you some beautiful and simple Tantric techniques that you can use to enhance your intimate encounters at home. 

Download our Free Partner Exercise

and experience the wellness of Tantra at home.