How to create an intimate Tantric Date Night
The best ‘homework’ ever
The most important thing about a Tantric Date Night is that you are completely free. Free to do what you like. Free to stop what you don’t like anymore. Free to be who you are.
This Date Night should be time for you.
So please take the steps below as an invitation: if you feel like doing something different, of course you will! I wish you a wonderful time, with much depth and joy…
#1. Schedule your Date Night
Agree together when your date night will be, and put it in both your calendars. Your date is ‘sacred’: at least as important as an appointment for work.
This date takes an hour. Choose a time when you cannot be disturbed. Not by the children and not by your phone. Also plan some free space around your appointment. That time is for yourself: to prepare yourself, and to have some undisturbed time alone.
It might be a good idea to discuss it with each other first: what time of day do you prefer to have sex? And which circumstances are ideal for you? Do you like to make love in the bedroom, in the living room or in a completely different place?
#2. The anticipation
Make sure the place where you meet is nice and warm and tidy. Maybe you make the space extra beautiful with a flower or a candle. Or remove objects from the room that can distract your attention, such as the pile of unprocessed receipts or photos of your children or parents. You do this, because your mind can relax when there is no distracting mess and images.
Maybe you provide something tasty: grapes, your favorite chocolate, a cup of tea…
You could also ‘prepare’ your body, by doing something that feels good to you. For example, do you want to take a shower or make yourself beautiful? And… what are you actually wearing (or not)?
#3. Do an inquiry
We highly recommend starting your Date Night with a short inquiry.
You may experience much more contact afterwards; with yourself – and probably also with your loved one.
Take 3 minutes each to speak freely about your experience in the moment. Maybe you’ll also talk about: ‘now that we are together for the next hour, what am I looking forward to? And what do I find exciting? How do I feel that in my body?’
Please find all steps for inquiry here.
#4. Set the timer for one hour (or use the playlists)
It sounds paradoxical, but it is easier for most people to experience freedom, if the frameworks are clear. The purpose of this journey is the traveler. There is no ‘goal’. While, usually, in conventional sex, there is one. Rushing to orgasm, it’s not easy to stay present in the now. It’s hard to enjoy the full experience, if you need to accomplish this goal.
Being consciously present together… allowing what naturally arises when you don’t have to make anything: you can’t keep that up ‘endlessly’. But an hour is quite feasible.
So, set a timer so you don’t have to look at the clock. Of course, if you use your phone’s timer, put your phone on airplane mode and you put it out of sight.
Download the free Insight Timer app on your phone for the pleasant sound of a singing bowl at the end. Or, maybe even better: use one of our playlists, that you’ll find on this page. They last exactly one hour, and provide for a beautiful soundtrack for intimacy.
#5. Breathe
Sit or lie down so that your bodies are in contact with each other, without having to make any effort. Then start breathing together in the Wind Breath, as you have learned in your session.
You imagine that you are breathing in through a straw…. deep into your belly. You should hear the sound of the wind on your inhalation. Every time you exhale, your lips and jaws relax. This way, a lot more oxygen enters your body. You keep doing this for the full hour.
After a while you will probably notice that this deepened breathing comes more naturally. The activity in your head calms down, more energy starts to flow trough you… it becomes easier to feel your body. You are simply here and now: exactly the right place to be!
Osho wrote:
‘The greatest sexual thrill of all is no search of thrills, but a silent waiting.
Utterly relaxed, utterly mindless.’
#6. Follow your impulses
All this extra oxygen you breathe in, will create more flow in your body.
Maybe it starts to tingle somewhere, or your body naturally wants to move or make some sounds… The more you simply allow yourself to allow these impulses, the more freely the Shakti (energy) will flow trough your body.
This often makes it easier to feel and follow your body’s signals, telling you very clearly what you desire, and when your boundaries are met.
So…what happens if you don’t have to make or do anything? If you don’t adapt yourself, but follow your own flow?
Usually, our attention is so easily drawn to our partner, or into phantasy. Instead, focus on the sensations, feelings and thoughts in your own body.
From this deeper contact with yourself, you may also experience a deeper connection with your partner.
#7. If it doesn’t spark joy anymore, do something else
Sometimes you are doing something you thought you would enjoy… but suddenly you have the taste of cardboard in your mouth. In other words: you have fallen into an old groove and the sparkle, the new, the fresh is gone.
No problem: it’s cool that you notice it! Stop what you were doing and simply start again.
When this happens to me, I like to pour myself a cup of tea and take a break:-) Then I bring my attention back to my own deep breathing; returning to my own center. There I wait until a new impulse arises.
#8. Celebrate your freedom
If you let go of the old image of lovemaking and start to feel in the moment what it is for you now, then it could be that lovemaking is much more colorful than you ever thought it could be.
These are some things that might happen in your Date Nights:
holding or rocking each other,
disappearing for a while in the eyes of your beloved,
massaging each other with lovely warm oil,
telling what you find attractive about your beloved,
taking your beloved’s hand and let him or her feel how you would like to be touched,
letting your loved one taste, feel or smell something really nice (without looking?),
telling what you long for,
playing like puppies,
giggling, crying, laughing,
or dancing together on your favorite music…
# 9. Thank each other
When time’s up, you do what feels good to complete your Date Night together. Maybe you hug each other, maybe you want to say something. In any case, don’t forget to thank each other, even if it wasn’t that easy.
Please note: this is not the time to evaluate or analyze your Date Night. It is especially important to honor that your loved one has been willing to practice with you.
#10. Leave each other alone for a while
After completion, you leave each other alone for half an hour. Do something nice for yourself: take a walk or take a nice bath. Spend this time away from media so you can focus on the sensations in your body. This way you can let everything that happened during your appointment sink in even further.
Perhaps it would be valuable for you to meet again after this half hour to discuss your date together. At what point did you really feel free? What was nice and what was difficult for you?
I advise you to do this in the form of an inquiry. This way, both of your truths can coexist without an argument arising. Avoid any form of criticism of yourself and your loved one.
#11. Let go & Repeat
Of course, I hope that you had a wonderful time together. So wonderful that you immediately run to your agenda to schedule a new Date Night.
At the same time, nothing goes wrong if it wasn’t all fantastic. Maybe it felt a bit uncomfortable or awkward at some point.
It takes a lot to let go of the idea that we should achieve something.
Don’t attach too much importance to it; it might take a while before this starts to sparkle on its own.
Tantra asks you to let go of a goal and just practice and see what happens.
This way you will learn how to relax while remaining present and aware; the key to the fulfillment we hope to find in sexuality.
Love, Marije & team
